Frohe Weihnachten!

Its winter, its cold, i'm home, already bored and my family is grating.......

And i couldn't happier, Xmas....is......awesome!

So Merry Christmas Everyone and Happy New Year! Now here's a picture of puppies

Süsssssssse

Bis nächstes Jahr! 

I'm fast tiring of this...

Now its not the lack of communication, the way they expect me to constantly have something 'spontaneous' to do, or even the way they'l dump a whole classes on me...weekly...and expect me to teach/occupy them just because they can't be arsed to.
No....thats just standard german rudeness/inconsideration...im used to it and i forgive it because its basically a cultural thing....not to mention these teachers are busy and i dont expect them to make to much effort.

BUT....what i can't stand anymore is the lack of respect. If they're are going to treat me like another member of staff...high expectations, awkward silences and all, then they should act accordingly when asking something of me.

You can't just sit back, expect me to be professional, take your lessons for you, and provide and endless resource of learning materials, then turn around and talk to me as if i'm one of your pupils....as if YOU'RE the one doing ME the favour.

Thanks for staying late and looking after my class Ali, now fuck off..you're late for another class...lateness is unacceptable

I suppose its the bullshit that's getting to me the most. Today is an excellent example, having shown up early for a lesson I proceeded to wait in the staff room, hoping to find the teacher I was supposed to be 'assisting' (a word so misused it has lost all meaning)

I waited until the bell rang and nothing. So I proceeded to the classroom and joined the pupils who were also waiting for their teacher....10 mins later the teacher strolls in and informs me i'm not needed today.

I know what you're thinking, but no it wasnt the blunt lack of communication or even an apology for wasting my time that pissed me off.....no im used to that crap....its the bullshit excuse the teacher used which somehow managed to pin the Schuld on me

"Oh Ali I was looking for you in the Staffroom...that's why I'm so late, where were you?"

WHAT! I was in the staffroom 10mins before the lesson started sunshine, if you were indeed looking for me (and you weren't) you didn't look very hard now, DID YOU?!

Thats what i should of said...instead i said something along the lines of..

"Oh my bad, what the fuck was I thinking, coming to a lesson on time and prepared, I should have of course received your message telepathically " 

(ok so it wasn't quite that sarcastic but you get the picture) 

Oh the bullshit....and it goes on, as everybody's favourite Betreuungslehrerin sent me another charming email again today. 

As well as asking me to check some of her work for her (which of course I don't mind doing at all) she then followed that up with the very patronising....

"There seems to be some confusion as to when you are leaving, term ends on friday....remember you already know you have to talk to me if you want to leave early"

I love the way she asks for a favour, that follows it up with an instruction even a six year old would find patronising. In fairness, it would be a perfectly fair request, if not for the fact that I already cleared with her exactly when I would be going home back in...oh...lets see...OCTOBER!

It really doesn't get much clearer than "I'm leaving 22nd Dec"....and the fact that I already went ahead and cleared this with all the other teacher's.....well its fucking laughable that she'd even ask...let alone in such a fucking disrespectful way.

So, yeah i'm ranting again and in fairness not all the teachers are this infuriating, just most of them...but better to vent here than in the school i suppose 

In the staff room, with the baseball bat

Il end this post/rant on a lighter note; the several really nice things that happened to me recently. 

One of my Klein students gave me some xmas chocolates this week, another told me that she'd miss me over the xmas break, one of my Oberstufe (worried i wasnt coming back) begged me to teach his class next year and then the class unanimously  agreed I was the best English teacher in the school and to top it all my CAE class recently informed me i'm much better than last years assistant (who is often spoken about in the staff room as being some sort of teaching saint) 

All of that was really nice, and meant a great deal...and really its only the kids opinions that I care about, since i'm making the most potential difference to their lives.

Besides fuck school, i'm to Köln this weekend to get drunk off my ass x

So ready for Weihnachtsferien...

I'm going to start this post by saying i love germany, i really do, but it takes its toll

After  a lovely relaxing weekend of pretending i'm not getting ill, Maastricht, drinking excellent beer and smoking some excellent somethingorother,  i'm now back to reality on a Monday.

And reality has hit HARD, impacting like Graham Bowman's fist on another unsuspecting waitress

We can't keep letting him do this..

Speaking german all day/night is tiring...and because its winter i'm slowing down like many a german pensioner. Thus my German has officially turned to crap (2 months progress down the drain) 

Im getting a cold, and its starting to destroy me from the inside, resulting in greater reduction of my mental faculties - ali go stupid(er)

The snow has its benefits, but its a lot more fun when things get cancelled and you can play in it....of course the fun police won't be letting that happen in Germany anytime soon 

Standard walk to work in Aachen

So im dreading tomorrow and the standard "make reading comprehension...watch it fail" scenario and instead absolutely jonesing for merry old England, proper snow related fun and complete lack of responsibility. 

Of course i'm just moaning, and by the time friday rolls around and im knee deep in Glühwein and Aachen Allemania then i'l have forgotten all about how shit the week may/or may not have been.

Nevertheless, the blog is basically an outlet for my ranting anyway, so il moan for now....besides i got a letter today from GEZ, which is essentially the same as the TV Licensing wankers in Britain, except it applies to Radio, and they count everything as being able to receive radio...mobile phones, computers, fridges, labradors 

EVERYTHING! And they are threatening my Mitbewohnern and myself with a hefty fine unless we pay up whatever bullshit fee we owe..

Fortunately we have decided as a WG to follow the "fuck it, let's wait and see" approach to these letters, until as Dan put it..."the police and GEZ come knocking at our door"....an event which im whole heartedly looking forward to.....

Unfortunately this is not what i meant earlier by the German "Fun Police" 

(see thats how you be sarcastic germany)

Sarcasm....the highest form of expressing your german disdain

There was a time when i  believed the germans didn't understand  sarcasm. A time when sarcastic response to say, a german pointing out the obvious would immediately be met with confusion...or worse

German: the sky is blue

Me: How observant of you

German: Your right, I am very observant, thank you for noticing

Nevertheless, it has lately come to my attention that the Germans do understand sarcasm, or rather that they understand their own particular brand, which is used almost exclusively to convey spite and what a shitty day, week (or 1939-1945) , they are having

Z.B the word toll (good) is used almost exclusively in a bitter sarcastic sense, much like jawoll (the enthusiastic ja as i call it)

Teacher: Ok you're taking the class today, because i dont feel like it

Ali: but i'm only the assistant, i'm not prepared

Teacher: toll.....(lifeless face)

Ali: ok maybe I could do something, spontaneous

Teacher: das wäre wunderschöne.....(lifeless face)

Ali: erm everything alright?

Teacher: jawoll.....

Ali: right then...vielen Dank

the list could go on but there's no real need, because as I write this, I am reminded that I am simply pointing out what has become obvious to most, that the majority of (ok so not all just mostly older generation) Germans are bitter, humorless and wouldn't know a hard days work because they're already to busy filling out Complaint form b6-325 "had to work beyond lunch time today-therefore couldn't go home and eat cabbage or watch Bauer sucht Frau....also there wasn't enough pickle on my Müsli this morning"

Everyday this blog becomes less of a recording of my experiences and more of a rant....maybe its for the best (und daher wird es vielleicht witziger? Egal!)

Wer ist dieser Sherlock? Das macht kein Sinn

Luckily the irony is lost on me...... 

kein Bock

So lately i haven't been posting much, because i'm really lazy and any kind of writing seems a chore to me...
Nevertheless; i have say to that if i see one more weird german pupil try and sneak a stealthy sandwich bite during one of my lessons again i'm actually going to piss myself laughing.....then maybe il beat the crap out of them with their baguette, gotta keep them disciplined.

I see you, you sneaky bastard

In other news ive bought more tabacco, and it turns out vanilla and cherry combine so well....shame there's no fuckin menthol filters in this bloody country.....

Also lessons have been going well lately.....especially the one where we played taboo (2 hours of cutting out freakin cards) but it was worth it for 20mins of joy on their faces. 

Bochum this weekend, i'm buzzin for it...until next time reader...

for crying out loud...that's not even subtle

.....on a serious note today we remember....wear your poppies with pride

Possible Dissertation Topic:

'The Myth of German Efficiency';

how the fuck did it start and who keeps spreading this bullshit?

I've already written like 500 words on this, i could easily stretch it out to 10,000 after another 7 months here....

Changing the topic, outside of work things have been going really well here. Just got back from Düren, was in Düsseldorf a few days before..TWICE..its been awesome
- i'd write more but im feeling lazy, but expect more juicy blog entries in the next few days as i sit hopefully altbier in hand, with a bit of free time and creative inspiration. In the meantime I say tchüss bis später!

also fuck knows there's no way i'm choosing to write a dissertation next year, haven't got the patience for it...even though the paper would be the dog's bollocks. Gott sei dank i get the choice at Leeds
x

Unexpected events

So apparently "Paul the World Cup predicting octopus" - is dead

bet he didn't see that coming

awful and out of taste jokes aside, this story brings up an important theme of today - it was well random

I took my first lesson today since the Herbst Ferien, and my god was i unprepared....what little prep i had done turned out be corrupt on my usb stick (Microsoft Word strikes again!). So what did i do, for this lesson i was supposed to take, on a book ive never read, with notes that i couldn't print...
I BLAGGED IT! as you do and it went surprisingly....well actually.
I fuckin love it when that happens.

And then i had to teach this Cambridge Course thing, i was dreading it. Once again general german lack of efficiency resulted in total disorganisation; no textbooks, no classroom, no idea who my pupils are.
The Referendarin (trainee teacher) then turns to me and says, "not enough pupils signed up, so we are team teaching this lesson" (oh you bet your ass we are)
followed by, "have you prepared anything for this lesson...no?....well neither have I...can you lead?"
Great! Then Ali will just have to wing it again...so i blagged some speaking discussion about movies (i felt like talking about inception for some reason

BUUUUUUUUM....BUUUUUUUUUUM

...it may have been relevant to the course, fuck knows.

The point is, it went pretty well considering.
And just when i think my long day is over.....i get invited to join the english teachers conference thing, which was boring as hell but i was glad for the invite (yey now i'm officially in!) followed by the grand english teachers meal, which only 5 of them actually turned up to, twas a bit peinlich and i barely understood a word (herbst ferien has destroyed my german). THEN out of the blue they paid for me...sweet! free meal! Plus i got to hang around Fabrice, the only teacher who's sense of humour is just like mine (childish)
To top it all off, my housemate Dan just invited me to a Halloween party and to spend the weekend in Düsseldorf....epic! Meanwhile Tim is still an absolute enigma...i swear i havent seen that kid in like a week and i live with him xD

oh Deutschland you so crazy random.
Now im gonna go watch Garden State...i'm in that sort of mood

mostly cos this song is epic chillig (i love when the germans steal our words)

....bis bald muthafuckers xxx

Taking the RedPill - Sobering realisations

So Herbst Ferien is pratically over, and i'm a bit gutted as that means reality will be slapping me firmly in the face with work on Monday....Shit

Luckily its been a pretty sweet two weeks, and ive learnt alot.....most recently that German bouncers are really arsey about letting drunk people in...and that Joe Chaplin is a lightweight ;D
also if you let Max Martin come to stay he will provide good times as well as leaving you a free pair of shoes and a phone charger - win!

I'd quite like to be going to Köln for this weekends antics and to really see off the Ferien with a bang, BUT unfortunately ive yet to get one of the fabled (but not quite so rare these days) semester tickets. Either way will be nice to give my liver and break and get healthy for a bit. I'm even going to the gym tomorrow...even if it is the McDonalds of gyms 

No kidding..there's actually a Burger King right next to this place..

So it looks like its back to work, health and boredom this weekend, starting with actually doing some lesson plans for this week....oh dear god no im becoming a fleissig almost efficient german

Reality and behaving myself aside however.......i'd love to hit this night below so bad

There's something like this twice a month in Aachen. Someone in NRW surely must be up for it? 

Come on germs let's get wide eyed.....like responsible teachers should ;)

Edit: yes ive played with the settings...hope you enjoi the fresh new look xx

Amsterdam an tings

The DAM.....what a place...i like to think it missed me, i definitely missed it.
Either way twas an absolute dream, its all a bit of a haze but a few clear memories stand:-

the Rokery coffee shop, head massages, chocomel, pedalos, giggles, sexyness, good times and Geoffrey the badass robot unicorn....he's a terrible person.

Also we made our own bong...it looked very similar, even better actually :-)

It was, in a word...Lovely.....great times, fine company....and i can still taste the delicious dutch pancakes nomnomnom...also  Stroopwafeln are the balls...google that shit English readers

I write this entry, sitting in Aachen in the company of the infamous Max Martin, who inspired me to write this entry and also helped me hang my mirror :D

......and as much i'd love to continue writing and reflecting on recent amsterdoom times.....i'm afraid i cant....as its time for the pub...and also i'm hungry for takeout Pommes xx

Oktoberfest wasnt done with us

Münster really is a lovely little city, probably....it doesnt bother me as i cant really remember anything about this weekend.
In any case there was sun, beer, tobacco, pedalos and great company......for providing such an epic weekend i love Dave Wateridge even more than i did before

In other news! My flat is lovely, its looking better everyday and my mitbewohners are legends....i just wish i could keep drinking beer, but my liver hurts :P

What happened to my day off?

So apparently its Projekt week, or something...which means all normal lessons are canceled and i have to come in everyday for first period to help the sixth form with their work.
Now, this wasnt all bad, as early start aside, hanging out with the sixth formers most of the day is a hell of a lot more interesting than sitting through lessons. So projekt week isnt all bad.
Trouble is though, ive been late alot this week...already and they are starting to get on my case about it. (there's only so long the im english and i didnt understand excuse works)
Now dear reader, i hear you asking, "Ali...its only monday, how the hell have you managed to be so late already?" Well dear reader, frankly i'm disappointed you asked at all, as you clearly don't seem to know me very well. Those that do (and i assume you read this religiously) will already know that i'm late, all the time, for everything....even that one time i was perfectly on time...i was still late. If i was a girl, my period would always be.....ok maybe that's taking it to far, but you get it.

Aside from that hassle though, today was pretty sweet. I got complemented on my german again (pity compliments but il take em) and the Oberstufe even said i was alot more fun than last years assistant, so hopefully if all this attendance crap comes back to bite me in the ass, at least the kids might have my back...kann sein.
There was also a brief moment today while I was walking home that i completely forgot I was in Germany. Relaxed, headphones in, english music playing...i drifted off and didnt have a clue, til two blokes in their late twenties came round the corner fully decked up in black leather trousers and big boots with the leather capes/trench coats to match.....yea that brilliant image brought me back to earth the way only two ridiculously dressed germans can.

Going shopping? Taking the dog for a walk? The trench coat is suitable for all activities

Don't think they took my massive grin and attempts to hold back laughter very well...aber ist mir egal ;P
In other news Amsterdam is only about a week away now and i'm buzzin!

Today was a Good Day

After my lengthy lie in today i received a phone call from Adrienne, one of the teachers at my school with an offer for some furniture. Course being as desperate as i am for Möbel i took her up on it immediately and walked the 40 mins to her house...the sun was shining so i didnt mind the walk so much.
After arriving i was greeted by an extremely cheering Adrienne. Now before today i can honestly say i didnt know Adrienne at all..just another english teacher. However, after spending an entire day with her i can now say that she is no just an english teacher, but one of the nicest, most generous and mental germans i have met so far.
It turned out that Adrienne and her husband were moving house today, and in exchange for a little heavy lifting and general help, i could take a few of their old things off their hands. I was happy to help, but i couldn't have imagined how much stuff i'd be getting in return.
Adrienne gave me a ton of great furniture, tables, chairs, shelves and loads kitchenware like plates, cups, knives and even a coffee maker...all for about 30mins of actual work. I couldn't believe it....
BUT then it got even better. Turns out Adrienne is pretty cool, she's fluent in german, english and dutch. She's lived all over the world, and she kept telling me to party, drink and smoke as much as possible before i have to grow up and raise a family (its own way this advice is both awesome and slightly depressing). She is, of course like most german women, a completely mental driver, running lights and generally looking and talking to me instead of watching the road, all while taking every opportunity to put her foot down....some might have found this terrifying but im so used to this shit now that i just couldn't stop laughing (laughter of complete terror).

Later her and her husband then began to offer me beer after beer followed closely by pizza (pretty much the combination to my heart). It turns out they both love dub and ska music, which lead to me attempting to explain the current dub scene in england auf deutsch and then quick run through of the Specials greatest hits album. This was absolutely not what i was expecting from this Aachen sunday at all.

 Rude boys outta jail!
Rude boys out on bail!
Rude boys outta jail!

And to top it off, promises of potential further  Wohnungsache, like cushions, light fixtures and even a washing machine. Plus my german was complimented not once, but 4 times today by Adrienne's various neighbours at her new and old houses.....feeling a bit chuffed too say the least :D
Only downside of today? Tomorrows day off has been canceled and replaced by a 6.30 wake up, because of stupid Köln on stupid Mittwoch - meh....fuck it

Mild Thrills

so turns out the cherry backy ive been smoking is pipe tobacco, which i pretty much assumed it to be when i bought it, plus its a pain in the ass to roll up..that was another clue.
BUT the biggest surprise so far is just how friggin strong this stuff is, seriously two tiny rollies today gave me the biggest nicotine buzz ever...then i felt a bit sick...but that might have been the donuts i bought. Either way im buying a bag of lucky strike to mix it with (because you can here, which is awesome) :D

In other news I met a teacher called Jews Finke, no seriously.....I had to hold back the giggles alot today, especially when the pupils were discussing past/present etc forms of verbs which resulted in a good 5mins of them shouting I COME and YOU CAME at each other....judging by how much i grinned uncontrollably i think its safe to say im becoming more immature.
All of this has culminated in me feeling a bit useless today as i'm not really helping much in school, which wouldn't be a problem if my German was at least improving but it seems to be getting worse (if thats even possible?) Ive resided to telling people i speak a clumsy mix of german and english...im calling it Esperandeutsch

Nevertheless the flat situation is coming along swimmingly, and even though costs seem to be mounting...at least il be moving in soon, plus we got the internet and power sorted today, 16mbit ultd woooop piracy here i come.

 That's right i live above a casino

One last thing occurs; the worse of an English teacher i am, the less likely it will be that my pupils find their way to this blog and can understand me taking the piss....score

Oh God its started!

The little Schüler buggers are trying to add me on facebook, should have given them a fake name or something...i could have been Mr Gonzalez the language assistant :P
Oh well, reject request, reject request, reject request.....massively increase privacy settings usw

OKTOBERFEST

was insane! Travelling half way across Germany for one day of mayhem might sound like a stupid idea...because it is, but none the less absolutely worth it
I don't remember much, i assume i blacked out after around the 4th or so maß bier
Its safe to say we made a good impression for the english, by being rowdy, loud and annoying...constantly forcing ourselves onto other peoples tables and drawing crap all over each other...mostly offensive german crap which went down brilliantly.

It could of been such a disaster, with lack of table booking, accomodation and mitfahr car sharing all increasing the rape factor...not to mention no lederhosen! but somehow it all just worked out :D i say its all down to the good company i had the pleasure sharing my oktober experience with....and also the sweet sweet hat i bought and lost immediately

 it really was so good

Gonna be tough to top this weekend, and the resulting hangover...at least i have a day off tomorrow :D
nur zwei Woche bis Amsterdam!

German school kids = as weird as you'd imagine

Seriously, bat shit fuckin weird......sometimes they meow at me
Z.B today during maths the kids were drawing pictures...yes maths......and one girl was drawing a rabbit warren (and calculating its circumference presumably), it was all very schöne und süsse, then she went on to draw a fox, which killed all the rabbits.......frankly i found her laughter during all this terrifying.

In other news Deutsche Post are twats and still havent delivered half the shit im expecting in terms of debit cards usw, which means access to money is somewhat...limited, so im having to put off paying my flat deposit as long as possible.
BUT none of this matters because im going to OKTOBERFEST tomorrow! 

 My only regret is that I dont have Lederhosen...but i do have a sweet hat :D

Who said the Germans were efficient?

You don't have to be in germany to know that their smoked meat eating, nice beer drinking, pickle absolutely everything - culture loves a bit of bureaucracy.

Well...this week has been somewhat of an exception. Outside of filing out the standard crossing the road permission forms, and having to show my passport in order to buy everything from an AK-47 to a sandwich, I was shocked by the lack of organisation at a German uni this week
I have been failing to anmelden the uni in Aachen for about a week and half now, to try and get my hands on the fabled (and i assume gold plated) semester ticket = free travel in NRW! . It seems that not a single employee at this place could correctly advise their own heads out of their asses. None of them have a clue, or any personality and keep continuing to  hand me from department to department....until it hits 12.45 and then they all fucking close...
However..today my British pluck finally folded and i lost my rag...which resulted in me shouting a bit in garbled German (with a strong Esssssseeeexxx accent) which believe it or not actually resulted in success! Finally one of the employees managed to pick up the phone and actually call the PAAD to verify my status as a Gäststudent (or some bollocks). So after a lengthy conversation comprised of many "oh ja..ja...ja...genau" (as if he had a fucking clue what was going on) the bloke finally hung up and turned to me.

I was expecting something along the lines of

"Sorry, you were right, you don't have to pay €500 for the Semester Ticket...here it is, also heres my car keys and citizenship for being such a useless german"

Instead i he said something like this,

"Sorry, you were right, it is possible...just not here because (insert bullshit reason). Try some other higher education institution...NEXT!"

What a bunch of c***s

I proceeded to get my revenge by chilling in the sun with other students, rolling cherry tobacco and listening to this  

And suddenly everything was better ;)

.....I also definitely just decided to take the rest of the day off school..not sure how well that went down :P

So im starting a blog

because i can...and there's far too much hilarity here not to record, plus its bound to useful for all this reflecting we are supposed to be doing at the end of year.

So i will be spontaneously updating this from time to time with odd musings, rare tales and hilarious crap from germany

like this

 

As a result there's not likely to be a lot of continuity here, or any kind of story at all...more just little rants and recordings of stuff i managed to remember long enough to write down.

Of course others may stumble upon this when i loudly tell them about it and they are more than welcome to read, but its mostly for me....and my ego