#Oh....The weather outside, is weather#

So, its beautiful outside, the sun is shining, its the weekend.....i couldn't be happier. Well actually I could, I'd like to be in Münster for a certain Grahame's birthday....but unfortunately im broke and cant go...but at least this lovely weather is distracting me. So without further ado i'm going to go outside...ciao

BUT...one more thing, so i've started messing around with music again..finally and whacked a quick mix together...unfortunately its shamefully shabby...so its not going on my usual youtube channel, but its not bad for something I just kind of sat down and did spontaneously, without any prep or even much thought really.....and yes I know it shows....
Well nevermind, here it is anyway, let me know what you think kiddos
Oh and apologies for it being Electro House, I don't know why I just fancied using it for some reason.

Liebe bitches xxx

Mysteries of the Universe

As i sit here, eating a delicious, yet rather dry muffin from Netto, i'm forced to ponder a few mysteries that have been on my mind lately.

Mmm crappy Netto Muffin

Mystery no.1; In my particular area of Aachen there are quite the abundance of homeless people, wandering the streets looking for Pfand, booze and Kleingeld. Actually, there's pretty much an abundance all over Germany...as far as I can tell...but thats another story

Anyway, aside from the sheer number of them, another thing has been baffling me. Namely, where the hell are they getting all their puppies from? 

Everyday, these unemployed, homeless and therefore presumably poor chaps have another brand new, shiny puppy (normally a black lab or German Sheppard). How the fuck are they getting them? Who's breeding these dogs? Where are they getting the money to buy them/feed em etc

If you've ever had a dog, you'll know that they are fucking expensive, normally costing 300€ minimum just to buy one, then another 100€ minimum per month just to feed them.

$$$ Just like furry gold $$$

Now your first assumption might be that these homeless guys are the one's breeding the dogs, hell...maybe they even meet up to have puppy parties or something...frankly that would be awesome.

Or maybe your thinking, that they don't in fact feed these dogs well, and therefore save on costs at the expense of the dogs malnutritioned life....well that what i'd have thought too, if it weren't for the fact that these dogs look really healthy, seem really well trained and generally happy.

See...he's having a great time

Who knows? Perhaps these 'apparently' homeless people are actually highly successful dog breeders who have simply chosen the lifestyle of begging on the streets and drinking outside Rossmann....Speaking of which...

Mystery no.2; the local Penner in my area enjoy the simple pleasures in life, like drinking piss-lager whilst standing outside Rossmann and Netto in the freezing cold....with their dogs. 

Now even though I suppose they aren't doing any real harm, it still mistifies me that this group of 20 or so bums are allowed to just sit there, get wasted and occasionally shout obscenities at passers by...followed by haben vielleicht Sie Kleingeld? oder Pfandflasche?

It's not just tolerated, its almost encouraged:-

Anyone familiar with Netto will know just how bad the service can be in there...z.B only one till open while 30 people wait to pay and 3 other members of staff stand around stacking extra pork products or some such useless shit.

However, as i discovered yesterday, the bums have the power simply to grab whatever crappy bier they want, march right up to and empty counter and slur out a demand for immediate service, at which a member of staff will promptly come over, ring them up and then close the counter again.
ERM YOU WHAAAT?

Another valued Netto customer

The fact that they're supporting these blokes addiction is one thing...but actively encouraging it with special treatment? The mind boggles....I can only assume they do it to keep them sated, god forbid they sober up for even a second and get their lives together and...wash.........speaking of which..

Mystery no.3; When exactly did Laundromats (i.e Waschsalons) stop being cool? 

If Friends has taught me anything (and it certainly has taught us all a whole funkload) it's that launderettes are trendy social hubs where you can meet all kinds of people. 

Except that's not what its like for me at all, it's depressing, boring and basically a homeless shelter.

Why doesn't this ever happen in Aachen?

Even Cafe Waschsalon, the laundromat themed restaurant/bar in Köln, sucks and is always menschenleer. 

Having said that, Cleanicum (awesome name), the launderette/skate shop/cafe, is a pretty sweet combo that sells awesome stuff, like toast related clothing

I bought this T-shirt immediately

So there you have it...some mysteries have been pondered..kind of....actually this was more like another one of my mindless rants....but you know..scheisse darauf

 I finished my reading Russendisko the other day (cheers to Colin for lending me it) and it really inspired me to do some writing, hence this crappy post. I'l admit on read through its not one of my best, so once again I offer up pictures of puppies as a plea bargain or sorts.....

Weren't expecting these puppies, were you?

Still keeping it PG-13 Bitches! 

Give me teeth that are golden, so I may eat more (Kamelle)

Karneval was, quite frankly, an epic experience....an awesome 5 day party that overwhelmed the senses and allowed me to discover one thing about myself......god i'm getting old and can't keep up

Imagine it....Hundreds of thousands of germans, from early morning till...well....earlier morning, dressed up in costume and pissed up to their eyeballs, running around Köln in freezing (yet pleasantly sunny) March weather.

It's police dog on-a-little-fucking-bike mental

How they keep it up for 5 days, I just don't have the faintest idea. If I didn't know any better, I'd say hangovers dont exist in Germany at all....except I do know better and can say from personal experience that hangovers exist here and are some of the worst I have honestly ever had

Well...not quite this bad, more of a strong headache

As mad as Karneval was however, there was still something so distinctly German about it.

Now, i'm not just talking about the masses of sausage available and eaten everywhere, or the awful..awful music.....i'm not even talking about the terribly awkward way they all dance to the awful music.....terrible and awkward as it may be...

No, what i'm referring to is the scheduled nature of it all....everything is planned, right down to the tee. 

8.00 bis 9.00 - Frühstuck (Salmi und Brötchen)

9.00 bis 12.00 Party machen

12.00 bis 13.00 Mittagessen (Bratwurst und Brötchen)

13.00 bis 16.00 weiter Party machen

16.00 bis 16.10 Schnapps trinken

16.10 bis 18.00 Abendessen (Currywurst, Pommes und Sauerkraut)

18.00 bis 3.00 weiter Party machen

3.00 bis 8.00 Schläfchen

etc

Above is seriously what your average German schedule looked like, and they all definitely had schedules. They start planning next years Karneval immediately after the one before finishes. Costumes, who's coming, where they are going, table bookings, everything! All planned a whole year ahead. It's basically the only time they ever let they ever let loose....and yet it's still all rigorously controlled and planned.  That's why something like Karneval could never happen in Britain, we'd all be too busy partying to remember when it was happening. Then during Karneval itself there'd be chaos and violence as noone would know what to do...other than drink themselves stupid...the ensuing riots would probably cripple the whole country...maybe.

ARGHHH! WHAT'S HAPPENING! oooh there's booze, sweet! What were we doing?

I've talked about the "myth of efficiency" in Germany before, but Karneval really was efficient. The very minute it ended, the clean up teams moved right in and 2 hours later it was like it never happend. Everyone takes their costumes off, the streets are clean and glass free...all that's left are a few scaffold stands to be taken down. 

Having said that, the most amazing/sobering aspect of the whole 'long weekend' had to be the parades. There's nothing quite so sublime as seeing a woman dressed as a scarecrow, who frequently dives into a parade, mouth rapes a few marchers and then demands flowers from them (hell with a face like hers, she wasnt getting flowers any other time of the year)

Or better yet, watching thousands of successful, employed and (probably at one time) mature adults, screaming 'Kamalle!' and fighting with little children in order to get more sweets than them. 

The average age in this photo is....sadly...about 45

But I can't preach, I was filled with pride when I plucked a giant chocolate bar that was clearly destined for a group of kids, right out of the air and into my greedy hands (I must have done this like 15 times, each time with a bigger smile on my face)

And that's Karneval....Kamelle bitches! 

Standard apprehensive Karneval post

So I haven't been writing alot lately. I've been lacking the will and inspiration...probably due to a combination of being busy and....well quite content.
Honestly, I only tend to write when I have something to rant about, but since work has lately been more of the same old same old (läuft, mit dem gleichen, aber kleinen Frust wie immer)

Its easy once you learn the age old teacher's trick of sleeping through classes

Outside of work, life has been going exceptionally well, with lots of travel and excitement (and the corresponding poverty that goes with such excitement) Now you might think that would be inspiring, and in its own way, it is....but even I know, that me talking about how great everything is, doesn't make good reading...

Unfortunately, nobody is buying my paper....

So i've decided to take a break from rant focused writing, and start musing again in my entries. 

ALSO you may have noticed i've yet to say anything about Karneval, in my Karneval post.......Karneval

Well....as you may already know, its finally here, the celebration that Germany has been building up to since November. Will it live up to all expectations, I'm highly confident it will....what with the mix of cheap alcohol, costumes and multiple days off work already being a well proven, tried and tested combination.

Personally I can't wait to get to Köln and get back on the umsonst Bier. I'm also buzzin to go back to Papierfabrik, one of the best and most unique clubs i've ever been to....Its a shame however that it will unfortunately be shutting down soon....so I aim to make the most of it while its there.

So let Karneval begin, i'm off...(crappy caveman costume and all) and ready to experience my first taste of Karneval this very evening, although awkwardly Karneval begins for me in Aachen....at my school....at the Karneval Fete/Teacher's party....oh well how bad could it be..

I searched googleimages for "crap party", but frankly this looks epic

Oche Alaaf!

P.S On read through of my 20 mins quatsch I have become even more aware this post wasn't very funny, its lazy...my bad. I promise entries will be back their normal cleverness soon....in the meantime here's something I found recently when trying to teach my Oberstufe class about Shakespeare's sonnetts

Indeed they love em..