Give me teeth that are golden, so I may eat more (Kamelle)

Karneval was, quite frankly, an epic experience....an awesome 5 day party that overwhelmed the senses and allowed me to discover one thing about myself......god i'm getting old and can't keep up

Imagine it....Hundreds of thousands of germans, from early morning till...well....earlier morning, dressed up in costume and pissed up to their eyeballs, running around Köln in freezing (yet pleasantly sunny) March weather.

It's police dog on-a-little-fucking-bike mental

How they keep it up for 5 days, I just don't have the faintest idea. If I didn't know any better, I'd say hangovers dont exist in Germany at all....except I do know better and can say from personal experience that hangovers exist here and are some of the worst I have honestly ever had

Well...not quite this bad, more of a strong headache

As mad as Karneval was however, there was still something so distinctly German about it.

Now, i'm not just talking about the masses of sausage available and eaten everywhere, or the awful..awful music.....i'm not even talking about the terribly awkward way they all dance to the awful music.....terrible and awkward as it may be...

No, what i'm referring to is the scheduled nature of it all....everything is planned, right down to the tee. 

8.00 bis 9.00 - Frühstuck (Salmi und Brötchen)

9.00 bis 12.00 Party machen

12.00 bis 13.00 Mittagessen (Bratwurst und Brötchen)

13.00 bis 16.00 weiter Party machen

16.00 bis 16.10 Schnapps trinken

16.10 bis 18.00 Abendessen (Currywurst, Pommes und Sauerkraut)

18.00 bis 3.00 weiter Party machen

3.00 bis 8.00 Schläfchen

etc

Above is seriously what your average German schedule looked like, and they all definitely had schedules. They start planning next years Karneval immediately after the one before finishes. Costumes, who's coming, where they are going, table bookings, everything! All planned a whole year ahead. It's basically the only time they ever let they ever let loose....and yet it's still all rigorously controlled and planned.  That's why something like Karneval could never happen in Britain, we'd all be too busy partying to remember when it was happening. Then during Karneval itself there'd be chaos and violence as noone would know what to do...other than drink themselves stupid...the ensuing riots would probably cripple the whole country...maybe.

ARGHHH! WHAT'S HAPPENING! oooh there's booze, sweet! What were we doing?

I've talked about the "myth of efficiency" in Germany before, but Karneval really was efficient. The very minute it ended, the clean up teams moved right in and 2 hours later it was like it never happend. Everyone takes their costumes off, the streets are clean and glass free...all that's left are a few scaffold stands to be taken down. 

Having said that, the most amazing/sobering aspect of the whole 'long weekend' had to be the parades. There's nothing quite so sublime as seeing a woman dressed as a scarecrow, who frequently dives into a parade, mouth rapes a few marchers and then demands flowers from them (hell with a face like hers, she wasnt getting flowers any other time of the year)

Or better yet, watching thousands of successful, employed and (probably at one time) mature adults, screaming 'Kamalle!' and fighting with little children in order to get more sweets than them. 

The average age in this photo is....sadly...about 45

But I can't preach, I was filled with pride when I plucked a giant chocolate bar that was clearly destined for a group of kids, right out of the air and into my greedy hands (I must have done this like 15 times, each time with a bigger smile on my face)

And that's Karneval....Kamelle bitches!